


Stuffed briefs : the beginning

by Feverwood



Category: Lesbian noir supernatural fiction
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:22:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 4,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27339373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Feverwood/pseuds/Feverwood
Summary: A darkness grows in the city
Relationships: Work to lovers





	1. Chapter 1

ACT ONE SCENE ONE  
Interior office.  
SFX: steady heavy on glass. 

MITCH  
(Narration)  
It was the second Thursday of rain and the weatherman had decided to go into hiding. I had four calls already from drunk hooligans begging me to track the man down. 

I didn’t do that kind of work, sure I've seen a body before, I was a crown prosecutor for fourteen years and a gumshoe for the last six, but I drew the line of bringing someone to commit murder. 

I told them that meteorology wasn't an exact science, go home and watch as they auditioned his replacement. So far the race was down to a buxom blonde, a petite redhead and a stern brunette. 

If the brunette didn't get the job maybe I could buy her a drink. I have a thing for stern women in the bedroom. 

SFX a faint elevator ding, high heel shoes on wooden floors getting closer. 

The names Mitch, yes short for Mitchell, Miller. And before you ask you better be a yelling that name in bed or I'll shoot you myself. If you must be formal it is Miss. I have broken up too many marriages to do that fool’s game. 

See seven years ago, I had a reputation of sleeping with widows. They were not my clients and I only ever slept with one widow who was guilty. 

I used to be in a certain judges court. I won't tell you who because her husband is running for office and I don't need the grief. She wanted to list. I told her I didn't sleep with people who were above me. She didn't take it well. 

She got this bombshell assigned to me, I ended up being week and three months later, I lost my license to practice law. But I few favours and I set up this little place. The judge doesn't bother me as long as I am not in her courtroom. She told me to pack up but I think she likes watching me struggle like a fool. 

So now I look for ways to keep afloat. I try not to sleep around too much but a girl gets thirsty. 

The woman approaching my door was everything I'd want to quench that thirst. 

If I had been smart, I should have closed up for the day. 

SFX: a light tap on the door. 

No one ever said I was smart.


	2. Prologue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first victim

APARTMENT INTERIOR

SFX HEAVY RAIN OUTSIDE ON WINDOWS fades 

DUKE  
No no, I haven't been avoiding you, I haven't. 

Pause

No mom, mom listen, mom will you please listen?   
Pause

I'm talking to you now. No, I do call. I called on your birthday.   
Pause

Mom. Yes I'm coming over.   
Pause

Mom  
Pause 

Listen I am coming over this weekend. We can have lunch.   
Pause 

No mom. This weekend. It was raining last weekend.   
Pause

Mom. Turn the tv down. Yes it's raining here too. Mom. No mom. Look I need a shower.  
Pause

No it's raining hard. I just got home, I'm soaked.   
Pause

Yes mom, from the rain. Yes I'm taking a shower.   
SFX clunking 

Mom? Mom, I have to call you back. There's someone in the aghgh.......


	3. Act one scene two

Interior, office and raining still

SFX rain, door creeping open. 

LAURA  
(Meek)  
Hello?

MITCH  
(Narration)  
A petite woman strolled into the room, her body strained in all the right places as her hair bob across her shoulders, playing with her neckline. She walked across the room with a mission as I tried to read her laundry tag. I was so engulfed by her ample measurements I missed when she trust her beaver into my face. 

LAURA  
Can you help me? I think my beaver is wet. 

MITCH  
I can see that, I'm not usually one to complain having a beaver shoved in my face but maybe you should have covered it up before going out in the rain. 

LAURA  
I didn't have time, there was something in my shop. I just picked it up and rain. 

Pause (awkward)

MITCH  
(Confused)  
You picked up a stuffed beaver and decided to come here?

LAURA  
(Indigent)  
I did not what to come here but the police would not help me. They told me that you would be able to deal with me and my beaver. 

MITCH  
Have we met? You look familiar, but I can not place your face. Would you like a seat, Mrs ...

LAURA  
It's Miss Weber actual, and I would. 

SFX CHAIR ON FLOOR

MITCH  
Why did you grab the beaver? 

LAURA  
Well I thought I could pummel whoever was in the shop with it but that was before I saw the tentacles coming (from behind the counter.)

MITCH  
(Cut in after coming)  
Wait, there were tentacles? Why do you have tentacles in your shop? What type of shop do you have? 

LAURA  
I run a small taxidermy shop below your office, I actually own the building...  
(Pause)  
(Hopeful)  
Wait. You believe me when I mentioned the tentacles. The police just started to laugh. 

MITCH  
(Narration)  
I knew she was upset and I know that I won't get any favours upsetting the landlord. 

(Calming)  
I know you know what you saw. Maybe we should find out just what is going on down there. 

LAURA  
Ok. Ok. This is going to sound a little crazy. 

MITCH  
I doubt that it could, if I stop the tentacle infestation, ckukd I get a break on rent?

LAURA  
I think you are already a couple months behind. Maybe I will forgive a month. 

MITCH  
Fair. So what did you want to ask?

LAURA  
Can I trust my beaver with you?


	4. Inspection

INTERIOR WOODING FLOORS HALLWAY  
SFX two sets of hard shoes on wood. One lighter and heels 

LAURA  
Do you think my beaver will be safe in your office? 

MITCH  
I...I never thought I would have to answer that in this way, but yes it should be fine. 

LAURA  
Good, good. I need to get it to its owner. This whole business with the war has got everything out of sorts. What they want for postage these days.

MITCH  
Well you did a good job on the beaver, very neat and trim. I didn't think people would want a rodent stuffed. 

LAURA  
Oh you would be surprised with what people want stuffed. You can't go a day with something being plopped in front of me and they expect me to use my magic fingers to bring it to life. 

MITCH  
(Trying not to giggle)  
I'm sure your fingers are wonderful . 

LAURA  
(Oblivious)  
I'm sorry we have to pop outside in the rain. The main shop is cut off from the stairs. I'm sure it is to prevent people from walking in on me when there is a stuffing.

SFX HEAVY RAIN DROWNING OUT FOOTSTEPS ON SIDEWALK. 

LAURA  
well here we are, (my little shop of horrors)

MITCH   
Wait did you leave the door open?

LAURA  
Yes. I wasn't sure if it could pull me back in. 

MITCH  
How long would you say you have been gone?

LAURA  
An hour? Why?

MITCH  
Someone went in their, loot at the wet footprints. 

LAURA  
Great now I have to file a police report. I hope they didn't take too much. 

MITCH  
Wait. There are only footprints going in. They might still be there. 

LAURA   
With the tentacle monster?

MITCH  
(Awkward pause)  
Great. 

I don't know what I want to meet. A thug looking for a score or a mass of tentacles. 

LAURA  
Do you honestly think you need a gun!?

MITCH   
Yes, and would you for a moment not let them know we're coming. 

(Pause)

Stay here 

SFX footsteps on wooden floor, shuffling of items. 

MITCH  
(Long sigh)

LAURA  
What is it?

MITCH   
We are going to have to call the police and fill out a report. 

LAURA   
Do you notice something stolen?

MITCH  
Not exactly. I found the would be thief. It appears he was crushed by a python before being bashed on the floor. 

(Pause)

And yes, the ceiling. There is blood on the ceiling.


	5. Act one scene four

INTERIOR SHOP  
SFX heavy rain outside   
MITCH  
I told you, I found him like that. I didn't shoot him. 

THOMPSON  
Then how do you explain the blood on the ceiling? 

MITCH   
I don't. Even if I could I don't even know if I would believe me. 

THOMPSON   
what is that supposed to mean? You think because you used to be a lawyer, you are smarter than us? Do you know how many scumbags you got freed because you couldn't sleep with the right ’person’ 

MITCH   
you know damn well that was not my fault. I put away more people are flimsier evidence than you could find with both hands in the dark but there is no way you can look at that body and tell me I shot it. 

THOMPSON   
so you want to take over as coroner, now? 

MITCH   
Jesus Frank does that look anything like a gunshot wound? Something batted him around like nothing. 

THOMPSON   
Wait. You said something, not someone something, what the hell do you know Mitch? 

MITCH   
I don't know anything but if there is an elephant turning to crime I hope it is a one shot. 

THOMPSON   
what have you heard? 

MITCH   
I just got here, I came down with my landlord because she didn't get any joy from you lot. 

THOMPSON   
ok. Good. 

MITCH   
Wait. This isn't the first guy to be killed like this? 

THOMPSON   
I I didn't say that. 

MITCH   
Frank I know when you are lying. Jesus man what the hell are you trying to tell me that some animal is loose in the city. 

THOMPSON   
Look MISS Miller, if you know what is good for you, you are not going to say a damn thing. As far as you are concerned, go comfort your land lady. It's what you do best.


	6. Act one scene five

INTERIOR DINNER

SFX dinners eating 

BETTY  
Can I get you something else, maybe the meatloaf? 

MITCH 

No! She my landlord. 

BETTY   
so? I've been thinking you two would be prefect. 

LAURA   
(oblivious)   
what's so good about the meatloaf? 

MITCH   
Betty! 

BETTY   
Mitch here brings all his dates here and if she is feeling lucky she orders the meatloaf. I just figured she was going all the way. 

MITCH   
tah 

LAURA   
I'm sure Mitch can pick something else today. I'll have the special. 

BETTY   
you don't want the special. 

LAURA   
oh? 

BETTY   
it's been the special for three days. I keep telling him to throw it out but he paid too much for that tuna. 

LAURA   
ok. Bring me my regular. 

SFX footsteps walking away 

MITCH   
you ok? 

LAURA   
sure. I like the soup here. And she makes a good ham sandwich. 

MITCH   
no I mean about the body in your shop. 

LAURA   
I've been around death for a long time. Just not the human kind. It's part of life. I'm just upset that that stupid man was so so rude! You know he tried to tell me that I had something to do with it. Me?! The nerve. 

MITCH   
That is Frank, he thinks all murders are done by one of three people, the wife, the husband or spoiled brat. He is often right but it is no way to solve a case outside those subjects. No brain power. 

LAURA   
is he on the take? 

MITCH   
no. If he is anything he is honest to a fault. It's why he doesn't get a promotion. Suits him fine. I think he just wants to put his feet up, solve the easy cases and collect a pension before going into to maple syrup. 

LAURA   
maple syrup? 

MITCH   
yup, his family almost disowned him when he because a cop but he promised he would come back as soon as he got a pension. 

LAURA   
what about the war? 

MITCH   
he and I were considered essential and with my incident, I would be turned down. 

LAURA   
do you want to tell me what happened? 

MITCH   
I slept with a guilty woman. Sure the judge knew I couldn't resist but it gave her enough to ask for a mistrial and get me disbarred. Apparently I don't quality for being moral enough to be a sailor. 

LAURA   
I was taking care of my father, he passed away. I was thinking I should sign up. Not sure what I can do but we should do our part. 

MITCH   
I am sure you could anything they throw at you. 

SFX foot steps 

BETTY   
here you go. Two meatloafs.


	7. Act one scene six

EXTERIOR   
SFX heavy rain 

LAURA  
That was good meatloaf. 

MITCH   
always is, gives me the pep...(unsure) 

LAURA   
To seduce a young maid? Mitch yes. Um look I'm not trying to seduce you. 

LAURA   
I think Betty thinks you are. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against the idea but with the dead guy in my shop and you being my tenant, I don't think it would be right. 

MITCH   
No I get it. There is too much going on. Come on, let's see to your beaver. 

LAURA   
I beg your pardon? Didn't I just say we should avoid test type of relationship? 

MITCH   
cool your heels. I just thought we should go retrieve it from my office. 

LAURA   
oh right. 

SFX rain muted as enter stairwell. Two sets of footsteps 

MITCH  
(whisper)  
there is someone in my office. Laura put that away! You could shoot somebody! 

MITCH 

(whisking)   
that is the idea. I don't have much in there but I do like to keep it. 

(Shouting) )  
come on out! We got you outnumbered! Don't do anything stupid! 

SFX two revolver shots. 45. 

LAURA   
ahhhhh 

SFX body slams on floor 

MITCH   
Damnit! 

SFX Webley shot, larger body fall. 

MITCH   
Miss Weber! Miss Weber! 

LAURA   
uhhn 

MITCH   
are you ok, did they get you? 

LAURA   
I'm fine. I'm fine. I just thought the floor was safer. Are you ok? 

MITCH  
I'm ok. The landlady is going to be pissed. She might have redo the wallpaper. 

LAURA   
I'd have to have paying tenants first. 

MITCH   
ok you are good. I'm going to check inside the office. Keep your head down. 

SFX creeping door. 

MITCH   
looks clear. I winged them, watch the blood. Should be able to track him down if we need to. 

LAURA   
Mitch, look! 

MITCH   
I told you to stay in the hallway. 

LAURA   
never mind that look at my beaver. Oh shut up, he plucked out an eye. 

MITCH   
why ever would they do that?


	8. Act one scene seven

INTERIOR PUBLISH WASHROOM

SFX echos and ceramic tiles   
SFX pushing a mop bucket 

GUS  
(Singing)  
Don't go under the apple tree with anyone else but me...

SFX sounds of a struggle in a stall

GUS  
(Annoyed)  
Hey 

Hey

hey! 

Look, I was in the war don't care what you two want to do, but you can't do it here. 

Hey. I said hey!

SFX hard soled shows on tile.   
SFX tapping wooden handle on wooden door

(Angry)

Get a job and get a room! 

Oh god, oh god oh god, no, NO, NO, get away get....

SFX screams and slurping


	9. Act one scene eight

INTERIOR  
SFX rain outside on window

THOMPSON  
(Disbelief)  
You want me to believe that for no reason, or reasons know to you or Miss Weber some guy steals the right eye out of her beaver. 

LAURA  
(Annoyed)  
Obviously, officer. You can see right there were my beaver was molested. 

THOMPSON  
I can seem but I don't understand. Why would anyone pluck the eye out of a beaver. 

MITCH  
I have been wondering that myself. Were the eyes worth anything? 

LAURA  
Not that I knew. There were mailed to me by the client with a note saying that I needed to have them used in a rodent. Someone stopped off the beaver so I thought it was fate. 

THOMPSON  
So the beaver is not yours? Seems right up your ally Mitch, fiddling with a beaver that doesn't belong to you. 

MITCH   
Hey...

LAURA  
Technically, it won't be my beaver but the client's cheque bounced. Until I get paid this is my beaver. 

THOMPSON  
And who is your client? 

LAURA  
Dereck MacDougal. 

THOMPSON  
Shit. 

MITCH  
Why do I know that name?

LAURA  
Inspector?

THOMPSON  
(Long pause)  
He was the first victim. 

LAURA  
The first victim?

MITCH  
Right. Ok. That makes sense. 

THOMPSON  
Nothing makes any sense Mitch, you are not to make any sense of this. I forbid you to stick your nose into this. As for you Miss Weber, I will get the officer to make you a receipt. Your beaver is now evidence. 

LAURA  
I do not believe that this is happening. 

MITCH  
Believe it. He was been trying to grab your beaver ever since he met you. 

LAURA  
THOMPSON  
(Together)  
Mitch please. 

THOMPSON  
I'm a married man. 

LAURA  
Really?


	10. Act one scene nine

INT. OFFICE RAIN

SFX rain on window, throughout scene  
SFX pacing women's shoe on hardwood floor

LAURA  
(Annoyed)  
That man!  
MITCH  
Frank? Yes he is a handful. 

LAURA  
Oh don't think you are in the clear missy, making that type of comment. Do you think you are in any position to say that sort of thing? You still owe me three months rent. 

MITCH  
Hey, I'm working on this caper. That has to count for something. 

LAURA  
It does count. It gives me a reason why you can't make rent. Not only have you not found out who tried to attack me, but you lost the only thing I could turn around and sell. 

MITCH  
I'm sure that they will pay you. It is a good piece of work even if you have o replace the eye. 

LAURA  
Well do you think they will pay me for this? 

SFX stop walking  
SFX slam wooden table. 

MITCH  
Ah. Yes. Well maybe they will be understanding. 

Pause

MITCH  
Stop rolling your eyes at me. Coffee?

LAURA  
No I do not want coffee, I just want you get paid. 

MITCH  
Good. The secretary left with the coffee fund. Note don't spend too much time with her wife. 

LAURA  
Sighs. Didn't she leave like three years ago? Are you really that much of a mess? Do you live with your mother still? 

MITCH  
Hey. Low blow. My mother doesn't approve of my lifestyle. 

LAURA  
Oh. Sorry. I though most people didn't care these dats about who slept with who. 

MITCH  
Oh no, not that. I think she knew I was a sapphist when I was nine? No she doesn't think I should be a gumshoe. She was so proud that I was a lawyer but then I blew it up. 

LAURA  
What made you take this job? Was it the excitement? Did you think you could be Dietrich swooping in stealing the ladies hearts and catching the jewel thief?

MITCH  
I wishing was that glamours. Most of the time it is missing persons. Or worse. People trying to find people Hiding from them. Or if I am really desperate I have to tell some John that his perfect wife is cheering on him. I don't mind if it is a gay couple that much. 

LAURA  
Because you can't sleep with either of them? 

MITCH  
(Sighs)  
Yes. That is a big part of it. I've been mentioned a couple of times as the reason a wife strayed from her vows. Men tend to be paranoid too much. 

LAURA  
I think everyone can be that insecure. You just blame the men a mite more. 

MITCH  
You are probably right. 

Awkward pause

SFX chair moving back, heavy shoes jumping.  
MITCH  
That's it.

LAURA  
What!?

MITCH  
Let's go talk to the MacDougal family.   
LAURA  
The inspector told you to stay away from them. 

MITCH   
No he said stay away from the case. We are going to collect what he owes you. I can still scare people like a lawyer.

LAURA  
But what if they spill something about the case?

MITCH   
(Deviously)  
Then we will have gotten what we really came for. 

SFX hands clap.


	11. Act one scene ten

EXTERIOR   
SFX heavy rain  
SFX two sets of footsteps on wet concrete

LAURA  
I didn't think it could rain for this long. 

MITCH   
If you told me that Lake Erie has drained dry and dumped on us, I would believe you. 

LAURA   
I beginning to think you might be right. Did you know that the rest of the country,in fact North America has normal weather. It's just a ten mile radius. 

MITCH  
Really? I wonder how many spiders did that eight year old pulled the legs off of? 

SFX puddle splash

MITCH   
Great my foot is wet. 

LAURA   
And it wasn't before?

MITCH   
I didn't notice it before. Ah here. This the place. 

LAURA   
Well it is wear I sent the invoice. 

MITCH  
Good enough for me. 

SFX footsteps on iron staircase

LAURA   
No bell. 

MITCH  
No worries 

SFX three loud fist on wooden door

LAURA  
How long do we wait?

MITCH   
Four minutes. Then we can take a peek

LAURA  
You don't mean? 

MITCH   
If you want to go back to the car go ahead. I am getting a view of what is in there one way...

SFX door opens. 

DENNIS   
Oh, it's you. Can I help you? 

MITCH  
We are dreadfully sorry to hear about your loss...

Are you going to invite us in? 

DENNIS  
No. You are sopping wet. I am glad that you are popping over to pay your respects but does not want bring a casserole or lasagna or some such? 

LAURA   
I'm sorry. We are not mourners. I did some work for the family and I was hoping that i could get paid. 

DENNIS  
I find it drool that you would start picking at the corpse right after it has died. Can you tell me what service did you provide my uncle?

LAURA  
Hey. I don't think I like your tone. I was not into that type of service. I am a taxidermist and I had a piece for him. 

DENNIS  
(Interested)  
The beaver? Did you bring it!?

MITCH   
We don't have it with us. It would be best if you could settle up all accounts before you received the little guy. 

DENNIS  
Oh of course. If I cut you a check for say five hundred would that be enough to cover everything?

LAURA

Five hundred...

MITCH 

Thing is the last check bounced, so if we could get cash instead. 

DENNIS   
It will take me sometime to get the funds together. Can I bring them to your office say tomorrow afternoon?

LAURA  
That will be satisfactory. Thank ...

SFX door slams

LAURA  
(Offended)  
...you. 

What a rude little man. 

MITCH  
Incredibly. Come on. We need to get back to the office.

LAURA

Well at least we are getting paid. But why did you agree to five hundred, it was only a sixty dollar account. 

MITCH  
Are we? How did he know that the beaver was in my office? And for that matter did you tell the MacDougal the type of critter you used?

LAURA  
You don't think he is behind the attack? Did you notice he kinda knew it was us when he opened the door?

MITCH   
(Pause)  
No...I didn't. Good catch.   
He didn't seem injured but he didn't let us in. If he didn't go himself, which I hope he did, he is pulling the strings. 

LAURA  
Why do you hope it was him in the office?  
MITCH  
First off, I'm not against hitting a man when he is down if it means that I get yo walk away. 

Second, if he has one goon, he might have goons. Goons are always a lot harder to knock down. I like it when it is just the guy who thinks he is in charge. They tend to have glass jaws.


	12. Act one scene eleven

INTERIOR 

SFX odd outer worldly music

DENNIS  
Come to us oh great one that is beyound the veil of what we know and what we can see. Come and accept these two offerings so that we can grow in your power. Come and grace us into this world a shadow of what will become. Oh great one, who I am unworthy to call forth your name, please take these two who work against you as food to let your children feast upon their souls. Come. We wait for your grace in this and knowing that you will destroy our enemies gives us the will to continue your work. Come. We shall work together. Come.


	13. Act one scene twelve

INTERIOR CAR  
SFX rain on roof. 

MITCH  
Was there this many red lights when we came here? I swear we are hitting everyone of them. 

LAURA  
Will you slow down. You don't need yo race to the next one. They are probably synced. If you travel the speed limit we can slide right through them. 

MITCH  
If we don't hurry we could run into an ambush. 

LAURA  
If he has goons. In fact, we don't have to go anywhere. There is nothing in your office we both need. The cops have the beaver...  
(Fear)

MITCH  
You're right. We can just take it easy. 

LAURA  
DRIVE!

MITCH  
You just said we had all the time in the world. 

LAURA  
That was before every single manhole started sprouting tentacles! 

MITCH  
(Scared)  
Jesus, where the hell did they come from?!

LAURA  
Exactly. Look just drive before we get ripped apart by some demonic octopus.


End file.
